Sunday, November 9th, 2008
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5:33 pm - it's been a long time... much longer than i knew
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you make me feel upside down
inside out
flipped around
tossed about.
i can’t nearly keep my head on straight
can’t think
can’t sleep
can’t concentrate.
you slaughter me with every look.
my beloved killer
murderous lover
and you don’t even know how much i need to have you hurt me.
current mood:  morose
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Saturday, April 12th, 2008
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12:03 pm
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it scares me… how beautiful this is,
you and me together.
because i don’t know how to take it in.
and i am splitting into two people
right before your eyes.
maybe these moments
should be wonderful and fleeting.
and eventually fade away.
a dazzling recollection of something we did right.
we didn’t hold on too long, we didn’t fight.
we simply let it be,
let it exist and thrive on our happiness,
and just as simply let it die
with our sorrow.
but i have been wrong before.
and maybe that is the case now.
maybe this should last us our whole lifetime
and outlast our breath in the end.
take us beyond the body and the mind,
all traces of space and time.
maybe what they say is possible,
a love that lasts forever?
i am not so cynical,
not so terribly stubborn in my ways,
that i would dismiss the possibility.
in fact, i feed off of it.
the opportunities and prospects
chances and odds.
it’s why i am split in half.
two voices wandering around in one body.
but in the end, i still choose to be dazzling,
wonderful and fleeting,
existing and thriving on happiness alone.
i choose it because it’s real,
not just something that appears to be real.
but then again, i have been wrong before.
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Wednesday, January 16th, 2008
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12:57 pm - the werewolf wakes
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i spend my day wandering away with you
in dreams.
it seems it’s all i’m capable of.
and all i can see
are little pieces of charcoal
sketching feverishly
in my mind.
revealing the traces that your image
left behind.
piercing eyes.
grinning lips.
features that never give away
your true thoughts.
but when i catch your gaze
and steal you away from them
for just a moment
you reveal all that you carry inside.
all that you hide
within those eyes
comes satiating out
of two black pupils drowning
in a cerulean ocean
and into my lungs.
i inhale and trip over my senses.
and wander, wavering
with the fine line between oblivious
and aware.
and i am warn.
i am faded.
you are magnificent.
i am jaded.
a handful of spades,
and our game is hearts.
-------------------------------
i etched your name
into a sheet of glass
the other day.
my finger was the blade.
and i watched your sadness
fade away.
i melted your name
into a snow bank
this morning.
my eyes held the flame.
and i watched contentment
grow from shame.
i charted your name
into a darkened sky
tonight.
my heart spun the twine.
and i watched your lost soul
trace a safe road back to mine.
-------------------------------
why do you have to laugh
at everything i say?
i can’t take it.
the corners of your mouth
the flecks in your eyes
as your face lights up
and your head tilts to the side.
my heart and stomach collide.
--------------------------------
I’m walking high on cliffs and clouds
or rather, bricks and crowds.
Nothing they say could bring me down.
Be careful what you do when I come around,
I think I could fall in love with this town.
I think I could fall in love in this town.
and this town is you.
You became it and it became you.
And you both become me,
and there’s nothing I can do.
There’s nothing I can do.
And nothing I would.
But I’m lovesick over could and should.
I could embrace your hand, not stumble.
I should encase your heart, not crumble.
But stumble I will,
and I crumble I do.
pathetically, emphatically, miraculously
in love with you.
waiting for this town to pull me through.
------------------------------------
we sat on rooftops
dancing on top of our clothes
and you told me to make a wish
i couldn’t even think
of a single thing
to want outside that moment
but you.
and we gazed at starfields
singing at the top of our lungs
and i told you to whisper your wish
into my ear
and i’d send it out
into the atmosphere
for you.
current mood:  contemplative
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Thursday, November 29th, 2007
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1:54 pm
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how many days since last I saw you?
I wish I could remember.
but the number is lost,
somewhere at sea, that is, my mind.
it’s empty. burning with ache.
god this hurts.
these days that I haven’t seen you.
they go on and on and on.
and I envy the moments of the day,
when you are free from my thoughts,
and I can briefly forget this endless pain.
few moments, though they are,
I worship every fleeting second.
because most of the day,
I rest on the crest of your face.
thinking your eyes into existence,
as much as they can exist in my head.
god, every moment! nearly every second!
you won’t go away,
and a part of me is glad,
it’s the masochistic side.
the suicidal, dark and twisted side.
the secretive, mysterious side that lies.
that makes me want to hold on.
makes me keep up my hopes.
even as I cut myself open,
and bleed into your sighs,
staining your smile,
and incriminating that laugh of yours.
oh dear, I tried so hard not to.
but I’ve sentenced you to life or more.
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Thursday, July 12th, 2007
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2:36 am
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i think i had love once
or at least, i thought at the time
but it feels forgotten now
it feels less somehow
and sometimes i wonder if that love was real at all.
i think i almost fell last summer
or at least, it was headed that way
but it seemed so fast then
and somewhat forgotten again
and sometimes i wonder if i would have fallen at all.
i think i like you this summer
or at least, you consume all my thoughts
but now, i'm just waiting it out
to see if it gets forgotten about
and wondering if you would love me back at all.
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Wednesday, March 7th, 2007
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12:18 pm
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i find calm
in the way your words speak to me.
i find thrill
in the way your eyes crash upon me.
i find warmth
in the way your movements are drawn to me.
i find heat
in the way your hands touch me.
i find desire
in the way your thoughts think of me.
i find allure
in the way your image stays with me.
i find reverence
in the way you stand with me.
i find release
in the way you lay with me.
i find life
in the way you live with me.
current mood:  restless
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Wednesday, February 21st, 2007
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12:00 am - inspired by reading that lovely section of the philadelphia city paper...
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i love you. i hate you.
seems perfect right now.
because i both love and hate this situation.
i love that i met you.
i hate that i miss you.
i love all the moments we shared.
i hate that you left so soon.
i love that you're coming back in a couple weeks.
i hate that i won't know what to say.
i love hanging out with you.
i hate seeing you with other people.
i love your smile when its pointed at me.
i hate your back when its walking away from me.
don't you see what i mean?
i LOVE that i love you.
and i HATE that i hate you.
and somehow i'm just stuck in between.
and thats where i'm going to stay,
until you make up your mind and come rescue me.
current mood:  melancholy
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Tuesday, January 23rd, 2007
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3:19 pm - and so i finally get to say goodbye...
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Goodbye.
Shut me out completely,
that would not be such a sin.
Lock up every entry,
make sure that there’s no way for me to get in.
Won’t try to pry them open,
never mind knock upon your doors.
Truth is that there’s no reason for me to even see your face anymore.
But I need you ears and I need them now. I’ve got something to say,
I’m not here today to win you back. Just to remind you that...
Sure as the rain starts to fall,
yes I’ll always remember you, dear.
And though we don’t talk anymore.
I was crazy for you, yes I was crazy for you, that’s for sure.
current mood:  okay
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Wednesday, December 27th, 2006
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12:25 pm
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and yet
i'm melting
with every drop.
every second
your eyes
steal any chance to stop.
falling, collapsing
withering away.
the ground never felt
so far away.
and yet
i play
among dirt and grime and sand.
all the while
i'm down here
just waiting on your hand.
you offer, then recede
suspended in mid air.
you tremble so hesitantly
with your emotions running bare.
and yet
i'm waiting
with every break.
every second
your eyes
make it so worth the wait.
current mood:  hopeful
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Friday, December 8th, 2006
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12:45 pm
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this is supposed to be the part where i get to breathe.
current mood:  disappointed
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Tuesday, November 21st, 2006
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1:57 pm
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i love it when you speak for me.
someone asks a question,
and you know better than me
just what i’d say.
you seem to know my way
of being,
like i know your pattern
of breathing.
it’s a trade off,
but i’d take it any day.
so don’t sign off
don’t walk away.
just because it’s easy
doesn’t mean it’s wrong.
there’s nothing strange going on here,
except your disbelief.
i love it when i walk for you.
in a crowded room,
you follow me through
staying close behind my shoulder.
reminds me that i’m older
for a moment.
though i usually feel younger
i own it.
it’s a trade off,
but i’ll take it every time.
so don’t run off
don’t change your mind.
just because it’s hard
doesn’t make it wrong.
there’s nothing unusual going on here,
except your hesitation.
current mood:  busy
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Monday, November 20th, 2006
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12:11 am - see all i want you to do is be my love
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i hate to quote justin timberlake, but i LOVE this song!
blame the dj at bob and barbara's...
now if i wrote you a love note,
and made you smile at every word i wrote
(what would you do?)
would that make you wanna change your scene,
and wanna be the one on my team?
(tell me, would you?)
see what's the point in waiting anymore
cause girl i've never been more sure
(that baby it's you)
current mood:  drunk
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Thursday, November 16th, 2006
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4:17 pm
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rather give the world away than wake up lonely
everywhere and every way i see you with me
crowd surf off a cliff
land out on the ice
crowd surf off to sea
float towards the beach
if you find me, hide me, i don't know where I've been.
current mood:  blank
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Wednesday, November 15th, 2006
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12:04 am
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What do you want?
You. All of you. Everything! But I'd be satisfied with one single moment, so perfect, it would last a lifetime. For example, this one. This one here is great. I don't want forever. I want now. Now! Now! Now! I want loads of 'nows' and I want them til I turn old and grey. And besides, I want more cake.
current mood: hopeful
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Tuesday, November 14th, 2006
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1:54 am
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wondering : watching
gut wrenching : heart stopping
wandering : waiting
eyes draining : chest throbbing
sedated : day faded : colors turn to gray
broken : words spoken : nothing left to say
spinning : sinking
hope lost : misery found
sobbing : shrinking
stand up : fall down
betrayed : life strayed : hands caught up in lies
frozen : fate chosen : what a sad surprise
you know it's love because of how much it hurts.
current mood: melancholy
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Monday, November 13th, 2006
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1:57 am
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there you are
and there you go
and so it goes.
and no one knows
how my heart grows
til it explodes
for you.
current mood:  lonely
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Sunday, November 12th, 2006
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3:23 am
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the worst part of it is
you can't even count on them to be making it up.
it's never an exaggeration.
it's never a lie.
and it's the truth that always hurts the most.
facing down your demons like a long hallway.
long, dark, and distant.
with a flickering light here. and there.
that never officially stays lit.
and even when you wish they would.
even when you know they could.
someone always shows up.
sooner or later
they all go out.
current mood:  sleepy
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Monday, November 6th, 2006
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1:28 pm
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Tuesday, October 24th, 2006
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3:21 pm
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wish i could get through
wish i knew
how to get to you
open your doors
that have been locked for years
boarded tight
you put up such a fight
but if i could just get it right
just once
i know there is a way through
a long, winding path
leading directly to you
if only i knew...
current mood:  thoughtful
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Sunday, October 8th, 2006
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3:01 am
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i know you can see
from right where you're standing
just what you've done to me
and i know that you're laughing
i'm not upset
i just wish i was there
and i constantly regret
i don't have that laugh in my ear
or those eyes on mine
as you come close to my face
and our fingers intertwine
i lose all sense of space
and you laugh again
and smile into my neck
and count to ten
before our lips intersect
and still you're laughing
i can just tell from over here
you love that you're distracting
oh, i'll never last the year
current mood:  awake
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Thursday, September 21st, 2006
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9:45 am
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god this hurts.
knowing this truth.
knowing that every moment i think of you…
every moment i capture your grin in my eyes…
every moment that your mere presence twists my insides in knots…
every single moment that you spend in my thoughts,
is another moment i’m not in yours.
not really.
you try.
and i love you for that.
but it will never be enough for me, darling.
when you offer half yourself,
and what i want is all of you.
what i need is all of you.
but you will never need me like that.
and i need you to need me like that.
it hurts that you don’t.
and you never will.
i don’t blame you.
but you must understand why i can’t see you so often.
i can’t see you everyday,
and hang out every night.
when you drink too much,
and ask me to stay.
your laugh illuminated by your cigarette light.
it’s too much, love.
just too much to take.
i think i’m breaking inside.
and i feel nothing but fake.
i’m sorry i’m not strong enough to try this out.
i’m sorry i’ve got to walk away from you now.
i’m sorry that this can never be,
we both know it would have been great,
for a while.
but if i have to lose you, sweetheart,
i’ve got to do it on my own terms.
i've got to get out while i'm still alive.
cause i fear if i don’t,
i doubt i’ll survive.
current mood: hopeful
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Tuesday, September 12th, 2006
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11:53 am
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you tell me,
stop it!
but i can't help but look at you this way.
the tension's getting b o l d er now
the air is c o l d e r now
not like we would know.
it's much too heated,
this space between us.
it's like the sun,
this space between us.
it burns me up,
this space between us.
it's just too much.
i've had enough.
i'm closing up
this space between us.
i know you won't try to stop me.
current mood: blank
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Monday, August 14th, 2006
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10:58 pm
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it's when...
it's when the afternoon is more lovely
than i can say
that i miss you.
when strolling by the water
is everyday routine
when kissing by the water
is all and more than we need
and the loneliness drifts lazily away
that's when...
that's when i miss you.
it's when...
it's when the darkness settles
and the lights come up
that i miss you.
when the sounds of lovers
fill the night air
when the hands of lovers
find comfort together
and all the traces of loneliness whither away
that's when...
that's when i miss you.
it's when...
it's when the morning mists creep in
and the sun comes up
that i miss you.
when the cheeks of soulmates
wake as one
when the eyes of soulmates
find oceans in each other
and all the loneliness wanders away with the fog
that's when...
that's when i miss you.
it's everyday.
it's every night.
it's every minute
you spend out of my sight.
that's when...
that's when i miss you.
current mood: awake
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Tuesday, July 18th, 2006
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4:57 pm
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Days 49 - 56
so my last week in LA was pretty damn great. although, you wouldn't know that because i totally forgot to update my last week. we finished up shooting, the last day was at a carnival... SO much fun! i've now been in the movie, count 'em up, three times! not too bad huh? we'll have to wait and see what ends up on the cutting room floor.
after wrap, i decided to keep working, cause... well what else was i going to do those last few days? not much. we had the wrap party on thursday which was awesome! a lot of people came and i had a lot of fun just hanging out with everyone like normal people. i drank waaaaaayyy too much and ended up sleeping on seth's couch, which can i just tell you, he's the best! so it worked out. i'm glad i got to see everybody one last time.
friday was our farewell dinner at the luxe hotel. lots more alumni came, some real characters too... it was entertaining. i got a certificate, holler! good food too.
saturday i had loads going on. post office, packing, turning in my car, cleaning our GROSS apartment. then i went out to lunch at el cholo with joseph and thomas, the other interns i worked in the office with. it was a lot of fun. i'm convinced we're all going to end up working together a few years down the line. we're all just starting now, but we're gonna claw our way in somehow and then who do you think of when you need to fill job spots? the people you knew when you were a nobody. i can't wait!
the flight was good. took the redeye home. i didn't sleep. i watched movies on my laptop til that died and then on my dv d player until that died and then listened to music on my ipod which took me into philadelphia at 6am.
and now i'm back. in one piece, just the way i left. it's weird driving around. i know all the streets and everything, but it all seems so foreign to me somehow, like i've been gone for years or something. and everything seems so much slower. i was driving down the highway yesterday and i was going crazy because i thought we were going so slow, but i looked down at my speed and i was going faster than i drove in LA most of the time. it just felt slow. weird.
now i've spent the last two days looking at about 15 apartments. we found one today that i think we're going to take. so that's that. i'm back and ready for the fall and school... groan! i don't really mind coming back to philly, but coming back to temple is going to nearly kill me. i'm so over school. i know i'm not learning anything close to what i could be learning if i was really out there. but i know it'll be worth it to get the degree, even if it is worthless itself in this industry. plus, there is NO way i'm not getting one now, not after i put up with three years of this crap. i'm getting something out it, or else.
well, that's all. LA trip is over. i had fun. you could say, the time of my life, but i won't say that... my life's just getting started.
- lisa
current mood:  relaxed
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Thursday, July 13th, 2006
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3:15 pm - been a long time...
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note by note
chord by chord
you’re strumming your tune
thumbing your way
across my head
i’m caught in the red
my heart pounding like lead
flash by flash
spark by spark
you’re giving off light
grinning from ear to ear
in the dark of the night
oh i’ve never seen so clear
i’ve never felt so right
inch by inch
second by second
you’re traveling through space
unraveling my nerve
with every step you take
you come face to face
and my knees might break
breath by breath
beat by beat
you’re slowly becoming mine
slowly making me shine
as i’ll keep you now forever
and our fingers intertwine
we just stand here existing together
current mood:  grateful
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